Little Nursery School of Torture

So as I feared, my break from my nightmares was short lived, 3 weeks, and I have just woken up from a next level nightmare. Wake up, throw up. Luckily I made it to the toilet. I don't care to go into detail but it involved me being forced to pin down my 9 year old brother whilst he was being tortured in various ways by intruders. Him and other children who were all at this nursery school. It went on for so so long. 

I'm done. 

Could this actually be it??

So something great has happened.  I think I may finally have found a solution to the awfulness which is nightmare disorder. When I saw my psychiatrist 5 weeks ago she decided to revisit a previous treatment which I tried, which was Pratsiol. It is an older medication used to treat hypertension (high blood pressure). I have been on it before; but a very low dose. And in combination with a very large amount of other medications.  My psychiatrist decided to give it another go.  A week later when I saw my endocrinologist she prescribed me Trepaline.  It is a drowsy anti-depressant. It seems that in combination, these 2 medications are finally having an effect.  The Trepaline is making me very drowsy at night, thus making me "too tired" to have a pre-bed freak out and so decreasing my anxiety before bed.  The Pratsiol is making me quite hazy in the mornings so sometimes I'm aware that I had a bad dream but I can't quite remember what about, so no waking up shouting, crying, vomiting etc. Also, the nightmares which I do remember, are much more realistic, such as real work pressures which I'm having at the moment. Not these crazy, twisted, torture dreams. But I find myself waking up, remembering the dream, but then just getting up and getting on with my day. Not taking at least an hour to come down to earth from the meltdown which I'm used to following sleep. 

Could this be it?

I'm so so so petrified to believe it may be.  This has been the longest, hardest, most horrific journey which I've ever had to endure. And it will take me months if not years to recover from this. That's if it is actually over.  I don't believe anyone will ever truly have any comprehension of what I have endured over the past 3  years with this disorder, but I really have some beautiful amazing friends who have truly held my hand through it. Klara - always been there for me every step of the way without any speck of judgement for any of my decisions in the way that I've chosen to deal with this. She has truly been my rock during this journey and I can never express my gratitude enough!!

Hannah, Tamsin, Caroline, Simone, Sian, Tara, thank you so so much for everything.

This is finally a happy post. And whilst I'm so hesitant to actually believe this may just be it, I have to hold onto hope. That's what I've done this whole time and it's honestly the only reason I'm still alive today. Even if it doesn't last, I'll at least use this time to actually be able to live. One can only hope :)

The Spaceship of Torture

Last night I dreamed I was on a space ship that was headed one way for Mars.  I panicked and freaked out because I didn't want to go on it.  I wanted to go home.  The people on the spaceship told me I can go back but then first I needed to go through the torture chamber on the spaceship.  I saw a little sign that said TORTURE.  I pressed the red light and stepped inside.  Suddenly, a machine grabbed all my limbs and started pulling them apart.  I felt the pain in the dream.  I was then shoved into a hole that was too small to fit my body so I couldn't breathe properly and was being squashed.  I again I felt this very real pain in the dream.  This dream sounds short but it was incredibly dragged out.  I just don't have the energy to put all the details.

The Endocrinologist Results

I took a while to write this post since I wanted to calm down from the whole experience first.  I was away in Hogsback at a conference for a week, during which I had an absolutely petrifying nightmare about men chasing me with sticks wanting to rape me, whilst chanting the whole time.  I woke up by sitting up suddenly, to see my friend who was away with me shouting my name trying to wake me up because I had been crying in my sleep.  It was 04h40 in the morning and that was it for my nights sleep, and I had 8 hours of conference activities to attend that day.  So at this point I was really excited to get back to get to the endocrinologist for my results.

Monday came and I was filled with dread because I knew it was going to be bad news either way.  Either, I'd be told I had some horrible condition, or I'd be told everything was fine and then still be left with no answers.  Turns out is was the latter.  The doctor slowly went through each thing that they had tested me for, which led me to believe they had found something because otherwise I thought she would start with ''great news, no problems on your blood work.''  But no.  She slowly went through each thing.  The only problems they picked up were that my Vitamin D levels are 18, they should be a minimum of 30.  And in my diabetes test, the second sample of blood my sugar was slightly higher than expected but ''nothing to worry about.''  I literally fell to the floor sobbing.  My doctor handed me a tissue and tried telling me it was good news because ''Cushings Disease in itself is a nightmare''.  This didn't make me feel any better.  I don't care what it is, I want to know what's wrong with me and I want to do something about it.  She then asked me when I'm seeing my psychiatrist again, so I knew what she was really thinking.  I left with a prescription for Vitamin D supplements, ran to my car so no one would see I was crying and once I got into my car I just broke down.  It took me 40 minutes before I felt able to drive.  I called my dad to tell him the results but had to call him back later because he couldn't hear what I was saying I was so hysterical.

So where to from here?  I don't know.   I honestly can't think of one more doctor I could possibly try.  So this is why I was just so so devastated.  Because I honestly don't think that I have any more options to try, and I am in a lot of debt with all these doctors bills.  The initial endocrinologist consultation and then the follow up cost me R2400 and my medical insurance only gave me R425 back.  Luckily they covered all the pathology. 

It is an extremely scary thought that at 26 years old I am faced with living (if all goes well) another 60 years...with this nightly terror.  Its hard to wrap my head around it, really.  I don't know what I can do now.  I know I will not give up in my search for answers.  Even if it takes me my whole life, I will find the cause of this, so I can at least help someone else with it.

Kidnapped in Uganda

I have a friend who lives in another city who is in a wonderful marriage, they've been together 10 years and married for 4 and I've never seen a more in love couple before. They have a little daughter who is almost 2 and she is 7 months pregnant with a boy. 

Last night I has a very disturbing dream. I dreamed that I went to see her and she was doing a TV interview and her and her husband were saying that their hope was that the baby wouldn't be born deformed.  I was very confused but then slowly information came together. I heard that she had gone on a trip to Uganda and had been kidnapped by some group of pirates there. When they got to the prison (and footage of this was shown) a lot of the men were tied up and naked and were being repetitively raped by other men. The woman were being chased by men who were going to be raped to. My friend was there. It then dawned on me that this baby that she was pregnant with was not her husbands but one of her kidnappers.

The Endocrinologist

I went to see an endocrinologist yesterday.  I was there for almost 2 hours.  In short, she is concerned about 3 things.  Thyroid function, possible diabetes and the possibility of Cushings Disease.  Cushings Disease was the one she was most concerned about.  She asked me a whole lot of medical questions and then gave me a fairly extensive physical examination.  She has ordered a fair amount of pathology work to be done which involves me taking urine samples to the hospital for the next 2 days and then on Thursday evening I can't eat after 10pm, then at 8am on Friday I have to be at Pathcare, where they will be performing 4 seperate blood tests on me over the span of 2 hours, in between which I will have to drink glucose syrup on an empty stomach.  I have a friend who has had this test before and said she felt really sick for the rest of the day.

This entire journey I have been really desperate for an answer, but I'm scared of this diagnosis.  It would involve surgery, medication and potentially radiation.  15 in 1 million people have it.  How crazy would it be if all this time I had such a rare disease.  However, I have had so many doctors tell me that ''you have this'' or ''you have that'' that I'm trying not to think about it too much.

Of course last night I had repetitive nightmares about blood tests so I feel like I've already had them.

Goodbye My Friends

This dream I had a while ago, whilst I was at the Boom music festival in Portugal.  It was on my first night there and I was as happy as could be so I was so confused that I would have such a disturbing dream.  Two of my best friends in Cape Town (I prefer not to mention names on my blog for privacy for my friends) came and sat me down and told me that they were going to be moving away to Namibia.  I was really really sad about this because I see a lot of them and I was devastated that they weren't going to live up the road anymore.  I said goodbye to them and off they went.  In Namibia, they lived in a high rise apartment which somehow I could still see in my minds eye, even though I was still in Cape Town.  I continued with my life but was very sad all the time that they were not around but I continued to be able to constantly see (in my warped dream state) this high rise apartment block that they were living in.  One day, the apartment block slowly - like in slow motion - began to crumble to the ground.  Slowly it fell, and somehow I knew that my friends were in there.  As if to stick with the theme, I slowly started to try to scream in horror, but the scream wouldn't come out.

Whilst trying to scream in the dream, I managed to scream myself awake back into real life.  It was just before 6am and I'd likely disturbed all the people in the tents around me.  I opened the inside zip of my tent and just stared out at the party.  I had to wait 2 hours for my friend to wake up at a normal time, whilst all I really had to contemplate was this dream I'd just had.  I panicked because I still had 6 nights ahead of me at this party, knew that it was going to be taxing on my body between the heat, dancing, constant music and uncomfortable mattress and really stressed out about this being added to the mix too.  Of course, the nightmares continued for the rest of the party, but this was definitely the worst one. 

Just another night of horrors.

I'm going to try piece this one together through my tears because I can't stop crying this morning after what I just experienced. I was out in some sand dune with pretty much everyone who was important to me in my life. Friends, family, parents etc. I was sitting on the dune and all these little light aircraft planes were flying past. Suddenly, one exploded in front of me. I realised it was carrying my dad. Slowly the plane disintegrated into sand but my dad's head flew out the plane and slowly distorted as it fell to the ground. Quickly someone ran to me and told me I had to make little planes for everyone to fly in and right either A B C D E or F at the top on the wings. Then I'd give each of the people who were there (my loved ones) a plane to fly in and then I had to choose the letter of which plane took off.  I did it quickly as I did not want the others to die as well. Once I started calling out the letters, the planes began taking off. I then glanced to the left and there was a mean looking woman sitting against a wall glaring at me. Everytime I called out a letter, I'd glance over to her to get approval but she would look at me, give me some evil type grin and shake her head, then I'd look forward and the same process would be repeated with what happened to the plane my dad was on. Each plane as well near missed me when crashing so I was sure I was going to fire as well. 

Over and out, just another night in my life.

You have HIV

This was a strange dream. But one that left me waking up screaming my lungs out. I was exhausted last night as I've just come from 22 hours of travelling back to South Africa from London and so didn't think getting to sleep would be a problem. Well I dreamed that I went for my annual Gynae check up and I then got a text message from the doctor saying HIV test - positive. The pack of the screen was red. The rest of the dream was pretty much me just continuously screaming, breaking down, crying. Until I eventually screamed myself awake. 

I know I don't have HIV, as a South African it's just one of those things you get tested for regularly. So why I would dream something like this is beyond me. 

Having this nightmare disorder has really started to screw with my perception of reality as well. I've found when bad things happen to me in real life now, like when my wallet got stolen, I ask friends to pinch me or slap me because now I'm always just convinced I'm having a nightmare. Not being sure whether you are awake or asleep really makes you feel like you're going crazy.

Thanks for taking my holiday

I've been on my long saved for holiday of a lifetime for the past 3 weeks, staying in the UK, Portugal and The Netherlands. I've had a wonderful time, being back with my friends, sightseeing, doing things but it's been slightly tainted by one thing. My nightmares have been worse than ever whilst I've been here and of course this has led to a low mood as well as lack of energy to do the things I came here to do. It is incredibly frustrating when you have spent thousands of rands on a trip of a lifetime for yourself and it is spent dealing with this shitty disorder. It is my 3rd last day in London and I've been awake since early as I was having terrible nightmares and then I decided I had no desire for another one so I just stayed up. This means that during my great plans I have for today though I won't have much energy and will be tired and probably just want to come home. I'm just over having this in my life. Fuck you nightmare disorder. Fuck you.