The end of life

In the midst of all this disaster with my sleeping, I have lost my way religiously completely. One thing that scares me is death though, because what if I "pick" the wrong religion and then I burn in the fires of hell? Well, last night I was with some friends, 2 kids I used to au pair and one of my housemates. We were all chosen to be shoved into a room because it was time to end all of our lives. I became petrified because I didn't know what was going to happen when I died, because I hadn't "chosen" a religion. I began praying frantically, then doubting that that was what I needed to do. At this point in the dream I  remembered that I have nightmare disorder and started wishing that this was a nightmare and that I wasn't really dying. Little did I know I was but people around my that I knew and loved started laughing because they all knew where they were "going" because they had their religious beliefs. 

Woken up at 07h05 after taking a sleeping pill and too scared to go back to sleep. Feel sick to my stomach as usual.

The stadium

I had a friend who worked in the Cape Town stadium and I was good friends with her partner so we decided to to eat dinner up on a hill and then wait for her partner to finish work and come and join us. As it approached the last 5 minutes of her partners shift and we knew she would still be in the stadium, suddenly the whole stadium lit up, incredibly loud music started playing and the whole stadium started bouncing around the city of Cape Town, it was just bouncing and twirling like a ball and me knew she was in there and there was no way she could be surviving this.  An eerie quiet came over the city and we knew that everyone in that stadium was dead.

Not coping.

I can honestly say that I am just not coping at the moment with all this and I just don't know what to do about it.  I mean, I'm not coping, I'm exhausted, I'm constantly crying, but there isn't anything that I can do about it.  I can't just decide that I'm not coping.   I have to just get on with it.  I don't have any other options to go to except when I reach the nights where I really can't do it anymore and I just swallow a couple of benzodiazepines and pass out so I don't deal with the nightly 3 hours of crying and thrashing around my room.  I know this isn't healthy and it just compounds the problem in the end but some nights I just can't face the craziness and need a night off of it.

It didn't last very long

It didn't last very long and I knew it wouldn't. After a welcome break of a few nights I was thrown back into a dream where I was running away from a fire as I could feel my skin melting away. It was extremely hot and I felt this heat clearly in the dream. 

A good week

So I've had my first good week in ages. It's so strange though when I have a good night I'm too scared to get excited about it because it never lasts. So to have four good nights in a row I don't really know what to do with myself.  One thing I have noticed is that I'm so happy during the day, I'm excited to get to work in the morning and put my ideas into practice, I'm excited to see my staff. I'm productive, I'm happy, I want to do things in the evenings. But at the same time it makes me sad because I know it won't last and I just see how much I can do and how happy I can be when I actually sleep that that then in turn makes me really really sad that it can't be my normal reality. My staff and friends noticed the change in me and I want to be like that everyday but most other days it's just a mask and it's so so hard to keep that mask on all day, I'm often not successful. Even my suicidal thoughts have completely disappeared. I don't want to jinx anything but it's 2am and I'm about to head to bed and just really hoping the universe gives me just a few more good nights. It's so wierd going to bed and not being petrified, just literally a case of okay I'm tired now therefore I'm going to bed. Is this how everyone else lives? Oh if only!!

Death again

Last night I dreamed that a friend of mine who has a baby had to die by death penalty for something she didn't do. That in itself was bad enough. But then her little 3 year old child had to hold the lethal gas mask over her face. We both watched her die there. Then, I was left with the child and all of a sudden arrested myself with the child. I'll stop there. Too horrific. Woke up this morning throwing up and have now been awake for almost 2 hours but still wanting to run to the bathroom everytime I think of it. I'm seriously done. 

Hello Mozart

Well I never ever thought id find a use for classical music, but here I am giving yet another thing a try....I downloaded a wack of his music and have spent the last 2 hours in bed trying to relax and fall asleep to it. No not working. 1am. The mind gets a bit cray cray....meh. How long can I avoid sleep for tonight I wonder

Losing it slowly....

I'm going crazy .... I'm seriously losing my fucking mind. I'm so tired I'm sobbing. And I could fall asleep in 5 seconds if I wanted to. But I don't. Cos I know what lies on the other side. And I can't go there. I WONT go there. So I stay awake. And as the night goes on I get more and more delusional. Throwing things around my room. Growling with frustration. And tomorrow I need to go to work and make like all is okay. I can't tell anyone about my night. They don't care. They don't want to hear about it because it's all they've been listening to for months. Years. So I'll go starkers on myself here. And tomorrow just have to pull it all together again. And tomorrow night we shall meet again. And the cycle will continue. This will never stop. Not until in death will I be freed from this hell.