Just another night of horrors.

I'm going to try piece this one together through my tears because I can't stop crying this morning after what I just experienced. I was out in some sand dune with pretty much everyone who was important to me in my life. Friends, family, parents etc. I was sitting on the dune and all these little light aircraft planes were flying past. Suddenly, one exploded in front of me. I realised it was carrying my dad. Slowly the plane disintegrated into sand but my dad's head flew out the plane and slowly distorted as it fell to the ground. Quickly someone ran to me and told me I had to make little planes for everyone to fly in and right either A B C D E or F at the top on the wings. Then I'd give each of the people who were there (my loved ones) a plane to fly in and then I had to choose the letter of which plane took off.  I did it quickly as I did not want the others to die as well. Once I started calling out the letters, the planes began taking off. I then glanced to the left and there was a mean looking woman sitting against a wall glaring at me. Everytime I called out a letter, I'd glance over to her to get approval but she would look at me, give me some evil type grin and shake her head, then I'd look forward and the same process would be repeated with what happened to the plane my dad was on. Each plane as well near missed me when crashing so I was sure I was going to fire as well. 

Over and out, just another night in my life.

You have HIV

This was a strange dream. But one that left me waking up screaming my lungs out. I was exhausted last night as I've just come from 22 hours of travelling back to South Africa from London and so didn't think getting to sleep would be a problem. Well I dreamed that I went for my annual Gynae check up and I then got a text message from the doctor saying HIV test - positive. The pack of the screen was red. The rest of the dream was pretty much me just continuously screaming, breaking down, crying. Until I eventually screamed myself awake. 

I know I don't have HIV, as a South African it's just one of those things you get tested for regularly. So why I would dream something like this is beyond me. 

Having this nightmare disorder has really started to screw with my perception of reality as well. I've found when bad things happen to me in real life now, like when my wallet got stolen, I ask friends to pinch me or slap me because now I'm always just convinced I'm having a nightmare. Not being sure whether you are awake or asleep really makes you feel like you're going crazy.

Thanks for taking my holiday

I've been on my long saved for holiday of a lifetime for the past 3 weeks, staying in the UK, Portugal and The Netherlands. I've had a wonderful time, being back with my friends, sightseeing, doing things but it's been slightly tainted by one thing. My nightmares have been worse than ever whilst I've been here and of course this has led to a low mood as well as lack of energy to do the things I came here to do. It is incredibly frustrating when you have spent thousands of rands on a trip of a lifetime for yourself and it is spent dealing with this shitty disorder. It is my 3rd last day in London and I've been awake since early as I was having terrible nightmares and then I decided I had no desire for another one so I just stayed up. This means that during my great plans I have for today though I won't have much energy and will be tired and probably just want to come home. I'm just over having this in my life. Fuck you nightmare disorder. Fuck you.