Poem. Based on a real life story.

​My housemate and I sometimes “play a game” where we choose random words out a book and make a story out of it. Tonight it took me down the nightmare path again..:

I know you’re all talking about me

I know your busy body gossiping ways

What you don’t intimately know

Is my midnight

What I’ve witnessed 

What I’ve experienced

Why I look so haggered all the time

But aren’t they fascinating ,  you ask?

You should have them interpreted, they say

WELL THEY SUCK, OKAY!!

It may be nothing to you but it’s not nothing to me

Never knowing if I’m awake or not

Alive or not

I have no sense of selfhood

I hate my bed

Anything shaped like it

I really hoped it would stop soon

But my brain has retained this way of life now

It’s been too long

People have their happy clappy bohemian yoga ways of thinking I should fix this.

IT DOESNT WORK, OKAY!!

It has no relation. It does not help. It never will

Socialising is physically painful

But I put on that jazz mask

Because I have to

Will I find my four leaf clover?

No.

If it was there it would have shown face by now

There will always be an incident where my subconscious engineers something even more horrific.

I’m sorry if this was depressing correspondence.

It was heavy for me too. 

I'm back...still with the same problem...

 Hi there everyone

So I stopped blogging on here for a few years now because it all just became too much for me to keep re-hashing the dreams and what I was going through, with all the doctors and therapists and medications.

It's now 2022, 7 years since I last posted and am sorry to tell you that I am still in exactly the same position as I was before.

I've been diagnosed as Bipolar 2.  That is my mood though, it doesn't affect my dreams.

What has happened in between?  I was admitted to the psychiatric clinic again as I was taking 10 Zolpidems a night to sleep as hard as I could so I didn't remember the dreams.  I knew that couldn't continue so I admitted myself.  I also realised whilst I was there that I had been seeing the same psychiatrist for 7 years and she was at the point of recommending meditation and yoga to me.  I could see she was out of ideas and didn't want to tell me because I was a cash cow to her.

I switched psychiatrists and my new one is amazing.  Whilst he hasn't had any luck with my nightmares, he genuinely cares and sympathises with me.  I have started Ketamine therapy which has been quite helpful and he finally diagnosed me with Bipolar 2, which explains a lot of how I feel during the day.  It may not have helped my nightmares, but I at least take enough medication now to go to sleep without being able to force myself to stay awake.

Soooo that's my 7 year update.  Nothing has changed.

Oh I did start a nightmare disorder support group on Facebook and its grown to just short of 900 members now.  Not one has a cure.  Not one.  But the support is great.  We also have a WhatsApp group where you can sound off right away if you wake up really upset.  So that has helped me feel less alone in this because for a very long time I thought it was just me.  Slowly going crazy.

Cheers for now.