It's been a while

So I haven't posted on here in ages. Quite a lot of reasons really. It got tiresome re-hashing my nightmares. I went through a massive career and life change. I sold my business. Yeah everything in life has changed so much. Oh, hmm well except for my nightmares. Nothing's changed there. In fact I'm sitting here now typing this through a quarter of an eye as I feel my head drooping but I fight the impending sleep with everything in me. But I have no fight left in me. 

The Stella Dream

Earlier this year, I decided to get myself a cat, mostly to keep myself company at night or in the early morning when the panic and hysteria kick in.  And so into my life came little Stella Jade.  I didn't expect it to happen, but I totally fell in love with my little fur child, I'm attached at the hip with her and hate leaving her alone.  About a month after I got her, I had a friend come and stay with me for a few nights, so I slept on my bed in the lounge with her so she didn't disturb my friend.  As I was sleeping not in my own bed, I was taking an extra benzodiazepine at night to sleep.  The night that she left, I didn't take the pill as I was back in my own bed and so I think the withdrawl hit that night.\

I had a very real, vivid dream (they always are but this one more so than others) that I was in some abandoned building with pot holes and water ditches and man holes everywhere.  Dripping water pipes.  No sign of life.  I had Stella in my arms and I was walking around trying to figure out where I was and what was happening.  Suddenly, someone came up from behind me and grabbed my cat, another person tied me to a wall with an electric fence and switched the power on.  Whilst this was happening the other person put Stella into one of the ditches of water and drown her.  I could see my Stella struggling to get out of the grip of this person but I could do nothing, as I was currently being electrocuted, and could feel it in the dream.  YES THIS IS THE SHIT I ACTUALLY DREAM!!!! Finally I got free and went to grab Stella.  But she was dead.  Just this limp lifeless cat in my arms.  I fell to the ground and started screaming blue murder.  It was at this point that I must have started screaming in my sleep and I woke myself up from doing this.  It was 4:30am and I just lost it.  I cried and screamed and trashed my room, I totally lost it.  Poor Stella was very confused.  I threw up, when I tried to get out of bed I lost my footing and fell and hurt myself.

I have attached probably the ugliest photo I have of myself to this blog post, I don't even remember taking it but found it on my phone later in the day.  I wasn't sure whether to share the photo but I think its important to see what I look like during these meltdowns to try understand what I am going through.  And this, is just one night of it.