The roads I've walked to find an answer

The Doctors I've Seen , medications I've taken and Tests I've Endured In The Hope of Finding Help:

- a natural energy healer

- a clinical psychologist

- an international sleep specialist

- a 24 hour poly sonogram done by the sleep specialist

- thyroid function testing done by my GP

- melatonin

- 4 different anti-depressants

- anti psychotics

- benzodiazepines

- reiki

- an EEG

- an MRI

- full blood count

- hypnotherapist

- homeopath

- sleeping pills eg stilnox

- dietician

- sleep specialist in Durban

- weekly councelling with a social worker for 8 months

- 3 weeks in one of the countries best psychiatric clinics

- dream interpreter

- TRE practitioner who I saw for 6 private sessions

- TRE practitioner also did an energy clearing

- psychiatrist

- neurologist

- 24 hour EEG with video monitoring done by the neurologist

- ER specialist after I ended up in casualty with a twitch in my arm that wouldn't stop 

The Voice Recordings

As mentioned in my previous post I have needed to start taking sleeping pills some nights.  One of the main 'symptoms' of taking a sleeping pill is that you don't remember much the next morning of what you did after you took the pill.  This morning I was eating breakfast and playing around on my phone when I came across some voice recordings which I had made for the past few nights.  They were all done more than an hour after taking my sleeping pill and were extremely distressing to listen to.  I was crying in most of them, wondering why I still couldn't fall asleep, or some of them saying I was totally exhausted, but still trying to fight the sleep off.  I've started reading a book on Lucid Dreaming and one of the mean things I need to do to try and achieve lucidity in my dreams is keep a dream journal.  I decided to do voice recorded ones as it is easier and I found these recordings amoungst the dream ones. 

My friend Benzo

I haven't written in almost a month because I wasn't sure if I wanted to put the last month's events out there on the internet.  But in the name of keeping this blog real, up to date and using it to try and get awareness of this problem out there and hopefully find somebody out there who can help me, I will update.

After I saw the neurologist, he prescribed me 3 Urbanol a day.  Urbanol is a benzodiazepine, a rather addictive psychiatric medication.  I realized quite quickly that they weren't working but continued to fill my prescription 'just in case.'  I didn't see the harm as I was prescribed this medication anyway.  About two months ago, I reached a complete and total breaking point.  Spending every night - the two to three hours before bed - going bezerk in my house, crying, screaming with frustration, fighting sleep to the death - this was no longer an option.  I can't go through that every night of my life, then wake up and go to work as if nothing is going on, then from lunch time already be filled with dread about the impending freak out followed by night of demons coming to visit.  Waking up and throwing up, sometimes for up to two hours, was no longer an option.  So, I started taking benzodiazapines - or benzos.  Since I have quite a collection of medication built up from about a year of psychiatric treatment, I just took whatever I felt like every night.  I have never taken a dangerous amount, just enough to zone me out so that I don't have the energy to have a freak out and therefore just go to bed because I'm exhausted.  It doesn't stop the nightmares, but it stops the pre-bed freak out, which in itself is often way worse than the actual nightmares.  I have also taken sleeping pills some nights, but since I sometimes get 2am calls from work and the Stilnox makes me completely switched off, this isn't really something I want to take as I need to be able to get up in the night if the need arises, so it just stresses me out more to take them.

I know that this is not a sustainable or healthy option but right now it really is the only way I can operate.  I know that it isn't in my best interests long term but I'm sick of trying to deal with this long term.  My parents think I may have a thing called Gut - Psychology syndrome where poor gut health causes psychological problems.  I am trying my best to change my eating habits, get to the gym more frequently and have started taking daily pro-biotics.  However that's not going to help me TONIGHT.  Tonight, I want to sleep and not freak out.  It does worry me that I will develop a dependency problem on these pills, in fact I probably already have one, but I see it this way - of all the problems this nightmare disorder could have caused, this is pretty mild. 

I am taking steps to try find more solutions to this problem (although there are very few steps left to take).  I am going to see an endocrinologist in September as I want to check if I have any hormone imbalances.  I have started trying to meditate every evening, even though I find it very difficult and often get emotional.  The meditation has also led me to develop an interest in Buddhism so I am spending time reading up on it.  This disorder has caused me to majorly stray from Christianity, the religion which I was brought up in, as I don't see a God of love doing this to his creation.  Whilst I don't think I'll ever become a full blown Buddhist as I can't see myself committing to some of their core beliefs for example re-incarnation (once is more than enough for me!) a lot of their teachings are useful, calming and could have a positive impact on my life.  I am also going to where I call home - London - for a month at the end of July.  This is where I am just purely, blissfully happy and I am hoping that this trip helps a lot with this problem.  I'm hoping that I won't need any sleeping medication whilst I am there and that will help the problem a lot when I get back.

So that's where I am right now.  I'm still not even feeling sure about writing this post but this is my life and if someone out there has the same problem as me - I want to keep this blog as much of a realistic reflection of my life as possible.