The Spiral

Having had this nightmare disorder now for going onto 3 years, and having tried every treatment in the book, I decided that I'll give the power of positive thinking a try.  I figured that if I make my days as amazing as possible, start going out more, doing fun things, enjoying my weekends and not going to work, that perhaps that positivity would filter through into my night times too.  It worked for about a week but now I've had 3 really bad nights and I feel myself slipping back into the spiral of as I get tired and start falling asleep, I wake myself up forcibly and start crying because I just want to sleep but I know what will happen if I do, and then I wake up really early, exhausted, but am too scared to go back to sleep.  Cos there are no maybes with my dreams anymore, I WILL have them and that's not negative thinking, that's reality.  I have been so exhausted at work this week and I feel myself slipping back into that spiral again but I am really trying very hard to stay on the positive path.  I have come to realise that by vocalising what this is doing to me, how it is killing me slowly, I am only losing friends, as they either don't care to hear it, or its too hard for them to hear because they can't do anything about it.  So this is an internal battle I need to fight.  This is my mental war to fight, no one elses.  When it gets me down, I need to deal with it in my own head, not expect others to sympathise.  When I feel suicidal I need to work through that on my own, because I won't feel like that forever and its not okay to put that kind of stress on my friends and family.  The so called rule as well that if you tell a professional that you are suicidal and they have to do something is also bolox, as I told my therapist, my psychiatrist and my TRE practicioner and none had much of a reaction, much less did something about it.  They say you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have, well that's too dam true.  One thing this journey has taught me is that I am dam strong for coming out the other end, being knocked down with dissapointments tons of times and I keep picking myself up and forging ahead, still running a successful business at the same time.  This post may not make much sense but I had the need to blot some thoughts down.  I can do this.  Even though I am petrified of what tonight holds, and realistically, it isn't going to be good, but I can do it.  I will wake up on the other side.  I will get through another day.  Just one day at a time.