Losing Hope Again

So my nightmares have been back for a good month now.  The random 3 weeks that they stopped for were amazing, and gave me a bit of a morale boost but that boost has long fizzled out now.  They are back, and they are so bad I'm struggling to cope.  Scratch that, I'm not coping at all.  Friends and family ask me all the time how I cope and I always say ''Well I have to''.  And that is honestly the truth.  I have to cope.  Because what is my other option?  Suicide.  That is my only other option and one which I am not willing to take just yet because I don't know what happens on the other side, and it could be worse than this.  So I am stuck in this.  Stuck in hell.  No getting out.  My body is aching I'm so exhausted.  I'm seeing double.  I nearly drove off the road this evening because I zoned out from the fact that I was driving.  But my business needs me.  My staff need me to be there and fully present.  So I fake it...fake it till you make it right?  Not working, but no other options.  There are no more doctors who can help me.  No more people to try.  Nothing.  There is no hope.  No nothing. NOTHING.  Just this hell.  I just want it to end.  How can something like this be incurable?? HOW??? And FUCK people who want to talk to me about god.  I don't believe.  No thing or being which I am supposed to love and praise would do this to me.  I know I have a lot to be grateful for, I don't have cancer, no one close to me has died (except one friend a few years back), and I am grateful for that.  All I want is to be the happy person I really am inside.  But that's not going to happen when I don't sleep.  I am so exhausted all I want is sleep, but I also know in my life what comes with sleep so I'm not going there.  I've stopped telling my friends all the time when I am struggling.  They don't deserve to constantly be brought down with me.  If I go down, I go down alone.  They don't deserve to feel bad because I'm suffering.  I just want out of this, OUT.  LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!

Little Nursery School of Torture

So as I feared, my break from my nightmares was short lived, 3 weeks, and I have just woken up from a next level nightmare. Wake up, throw up. Luckily I made it to the toilet. I don't care to go into detail but it involved me being forced to pin down my 9 year old brother whilst he was being tortured in various ways by intruders. Him and other children who were all at this nursery school. It went on for so so long. 

I'm done.